Christian Confrontation Skills (The Art of Compassionate Confrontation)

I.        Our High Calling

-          Salt and Light In World

-          Ambassadors of Righteousness

-          Contend for the Faith

-          Uphold Godliness and purity (publically and privately)

-          Love others with Christ-centered Agape love, grace, mercy, and gentleness

II.      Confrontation – What is it?

-          Definition: To come face-to-face with; to bring close together for comparison or examination (Webster’s)

-          Latin: com – together; frons – forehead

III.    The Purpose of Confronting - Why Do we need to confront others?

-          “Folk are crazy!”

-          Restore, bless, benefit, to help, to enhance, etc.

Case Study. Example #1 – When we fail to confront in the kingdom

-          ISSUE/PROBLEM/SIN   <------     [CONFRONTATION: WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY]

>Compromise (order, safety, values, etc.)

>Confusion (double-mindedness, unstable, poor behavior)

            >Carnality (self-centered, disobedient behavior)

                        >Conflict (discord, dissentions, rebellion, witchcraft)  

                                    >CHAOS (individual and collective/community)

- Main point: motives must be correct. Matthew 7:3 (New King James Version (NKJV)
“And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?”

[The Heart of Healthy Christian Confronter = 1) Caring 2) Concerned 3) Corrective 4) Compassion]

IV.   Confrontation Skills: The Method 

-          Speak the truth in Love (Ephesians 4:15)

-          Love your neighbor as thyself (Matthew 22:39)

-          Whom the Lord loves, He chastens (Hebrew 12:6)

-          Correction leads to life: (Proverbs 12:1) - Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid.

1)      AGGRESSIVE: my needs/values > other person (“bully” = My way or the highway) – WRONG!

2)      PASSIVE: my needs/values < other person (“wimp” = I don’t matter) – WRONG!

3)      ASSERTIVE: my needs = other person’s needs (“leader” = I have values but I’m committed to being fair, flexible, and respectful) – CORRECT!

Examples: The Choices for Emotional Connection: (Dr. John Gottman, The Relationship Cure)

·         TURN Against (attack & defend)

§         “You’re stupid, No I don’t ever do that!”

·         TURN Away (avoid & deny)

§         “She’s ok, she’s not doing anything wrong!”

·         TURN Towards (self-disclosure & connect)

§         “I can remember being a teenager and being really frustrated with my parents…man, I was a mess.  Is there anything you want to talk about?”

V.     RESULTS

1)      Goal: “Win-Win”

(Ex. Diplomats, Leaders, Ambassadors, Winners, Champions, Teachers, Ministers, Pastors, etc.)

2)      Strong relationships….establish the foundation for effective ministry and healing (“transformation”)

VI.  FINAL CONSIDERATIONS

1)      BE COMPASSIONATE (loving, gracious, merciful, and supportive)

2)      BE WISE (prudent, understanding, circumspect, assess the risks, consider the timing, be obedient, etc.)

3)      Consider yourself (Love thy neighbor as thy self)

4)      Consider your neighbor (age, culture, attitude/disposition/mood, etc.)

5)      Consider the environment (public, private, peers, etc.)

6)      Expect persecution, as well as, acceptance and appreciation

Steps:

a)     Ask for Godly guidance/direction/wisdom

b)     Define the issue (inappropriateness, hurtful to the person and others, expectations, consequences)

c)     Prepare (get the facts)

d)     Check your emotions

e)     “Focus on the sin and not the sinner”

f)       Be respectful and non-judgmental (limit the use of “you” and use primarily “I, we, us,”)

g)     Present the problem: be clear, firm, and to the point

h)     Remember body language

i)        Motivate change: motivate, inspire, encourage, support, etc.

j)        Help to change: ask questions (and listen); “What can I do to help”, “Is there anything that we can….”

k)      Remain focused and flexible.

l)        Follow-up!